Tuesday 31 July 2012

The Jokers Corner

One of the many different emotions you go through as an unpublished writer is that horrible sinking feeling that rumbles through your soul like a train thundering into a dark tunnel. This feeling is caused by a reaction to a certain word. That word is rejection.

More on rejection later, but unless you can find ways to get over it then you will find you may never get over the first of many, many hurdles. One way is through the bottle (a bad way) or another way is through cheering yourself up. It could be just watching your favourite comedies, listening to some good music (no love songs) or being with someone who makes you laugh, and can tell a good joke.

So for all of you, who maybe going through that dark tunnel, below, are some jokes which I hope will help you through it.


A man calls his boss one morning and tells him, ‘boss, I can’t make it to work today because I have a head ache and stomach ache.

The boss replies, ‘you know I really need you at work today! When I feel like that I go to my wife and ask her for sex and afterwards it makes me feel better, and I can then go to work. Why don’t you give a try?’

Later on that day the man phones his boss and says, ‘I did what you said, boss, and I feel ok now. I’m now on my way to work; and by the way, you have a lovely house!’

At confession the priest advised a sinner that if he wanted to get into heaven he would have to give up cigarettes, alcohol and sex. Two weeks later the priest pays him a visit and asks how is he doing?

The cigarettes and alcohol were easy to give up, but when the wife bent over to get some meat out of the freezer, I just couldn’t help myself; I had to give her one there and then. He said.

The priest replied, ‘They don’t like that sort of thing in heaven.

The man then said, ‘they don’t like it in the supermarket either!’

My old aunties used to come up to me at weddings, jabbing me in the chest and laughing, telling me in their loudest voice, ‘you're next.’

It stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Five truths you wish you could say at work.

(1) I can see your point of view, but I still think you’re full of shit.

(2) It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a bloody word you are saying.

(3) Ah, I see you had a visit from the cock-up fairy; again?

(4) The fact that no one can understand you doesn’t make you an artist.

(5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.


What do you call an intelligent, smartly dressed, good looking, sensitive man with a sense of humour?


A Rumour.

A husband is out with his friends for a few drinks after promising his wife he would be home before midnight. Well the beer was flowing and the hours passed, and as drunk as a skunk he arrived home at 03.00am.

Just as he stumbled through the door the cuckoo clock at the bottom of the stairs started up and cuckooed three times.

As quick as flash the husband thought his wife might have heard it and was quite pleased with himself as he cuckooed another nine times. In a drunken haze he collapsed on the bed, smiling, and thinking how cleaver he was to have escaped another ear bashing from his wife.

The next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he replied, ‘twelve o’ clock.

She looked a bit concerned and said to him, ‘I think we need a new cuckoo clock.’

‘Why is that?’ he asked

‘Well’ she replied. ‘Last night the clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘Oh, shit,’ cuckooed another four times, belched, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

I hope this small selection of jokes cheered you up and if you have any others that you would like to pass on then please feel free to use the comments section at the bottom.


  1. why did the sick apple cross the road?
    Because it wasn't peeling very well.

    Not the best joke in the world but my son came out with it the other day at breakfast.It was the first time he had ever told a joke.

  2. american friend2 August 2012 at 10:43

    Three things about men
    1, Men are like laxatives; they irritate the crapout of you.
    2, Men are like the weather; nothing can be done to change them.
    3, Men are like mascara; they run at the first sign of emotion.

  3. One-liners
    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
    I intend to live for ever. So far, so good.
    I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
    I hope you like these? If you know anymore I'm always interested.

  4. Did you hear about the man who kept pouring beer over his grass?
    He hoped the grass would grow half cut.

    It sounds a lot better after a few beers but never mind.

  5. Thank you all for the jokes, it just helps to lighten the mood.

  6. I liked all the jokes. Could you do it again in the near future? It cheered me up. Thanks.