Joker's Monday

Here we are again, another Monday. As this can be one of the most depressing days of the week I have added a few jokes below to lighten the mood before I continue with my story. Just before then I would like to say well done to all the athletes, both able-body and disabled, who have given the world so much to look forward too. It will now be back to non-stop death and destruction on the news every day as usual.

 

Ducks in heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'we only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, she is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.

Then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He is very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a Duck.

 

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too smelly.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase...
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.  
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

 

Two sides to every story

Two women are having a coffee and catching up: So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, “granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. What a nightmare and you?

Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.

Once at home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...


*Two men (husbands of the 2 women) - meet at the pub...*

So, how was your evening last night?


Incredible! When I came home, the food was just ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. Wonderful night, I just love my wife. What about you?

A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.

I couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived I took her out for dinner. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full...! The Dinner was so expensive that I
couldn't afford a taxi, so we had to walk home.

It took ages and once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to
light all these f@*king candles to avoid knocking everything over.

I was so wound up and pissed off that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to finish. In the end, I was still wound up and it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing.......disaster.

If you have any jokes or light-hearted comments you would like to share with the world then feel free to email them to me at danieljonesfrenzy@gmail.com